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Regarding a genius

... from a fanfiction haha
"...because he had no real motivation to take control over his relationships or his own life. Everything has always come easily to him...Many hated him for being naturally good at things, but because he never had to work hard to excel, he took no pride in his success. He had no boundaries, no limits, and thus no direction. There was no 'forward' for him to go towards, no goal for him to reach, and yet everyone expected him to try, even when he couldn't."

It struck me because it was very similar to how I feel sometimes. Not as a genius, but as someone with so much potential that there's no motivation and so much reluctance. I excel at and enjoy science, but if I chose a degree in med, there's the other side of me going, 'but you're so creative, medicine will be so boring.' and the same goes for interior design or something, 'but what about maths? How can you live without maths?'.

Life doesn't always allow compromises, I'm scared that if I spend too much time pondering, the potential will be wasted and I end up as nothing, as someone with no achievements. I'm scared to give this up, to specialise in one thing when I want everything. I want to be musical, I want to write poetry, I want to execute 2 formulae at once in a single breath, I want to blow things up and talk about metaphysics. I want to be the team that sends man to Mars, to be the solo violinist at Grand Central, a city girl, a country sunset, dawn, dusk. It's difficult.

Edit; I was about to post something else but this was saved as a draft and it's hollow not remembering this at all. I think it's pre-September because I now want to do Aeronautical Engineering.


are harder than sticks and sharper than stone. Beating you down, grinding out whispers of, "I can be stronger, I am stronger".

Tears are acidic and pain is only heartfelt.


I want to backpack one day.

Avoiding restaurants because, "table for one" sounds so lonely.
Instead, buying streetfood from shady places, eating it on the sidewalk with a city for company.

Exploring alleyways and residential areas, standing at the school gates as children flood out
Understanding that this is life, utterly different to my own.

Or pause at a station during rush hour,
To be the only person standing still, will that bring relief or melancholy?

TO exist outside of the norm, find identity away from the world by discovering the world
It remain as a dream, a velleity of thought that I humor

I walked past my old tutoring center yesterday, it looked so small compared to how I used to remember it. A skinny doorway with tinted glass and stairs that always tired me towards determination. As I walked, this tiny girl pulled open the door with all the momentum she could offer while carrying a bag the size of her. I couldn't help but wonder, did this use to be me?

Suddenly something that used to be so significant seemed to be so simple.

I had good memories there. Stealing food and playing hide and seek blindfolded haha.

From 2012

She realises that
Days pass too quickly
or the brain, accustomed to time
does not treasure the seconds



I am happy. The kind of happy that makes me smile and grin surreptitiously, seeping through the rest of my actions for a day. Or two.

I won't reflect too much on it.

Oct. 15th, 2012

It is a guaranteed and time-proven mistake to assume, at any point in life, that you are mature.

Because you can always go forward, look back and go; lol no.

A small reminder to stay humble and remember that 山外有山. Do everything with a truthful and pure heart and there will be no guilt in your regrets.

Happiness can be found in the arrivals hall

It's surprising to encounter a pocket of this city so completely and utterly happy. Happiness in it's purest form, love drawn out and sprung back and compressed to be released in one moment. Happiness for all generations, from children on their father's backs to the elderly.

Smiles, smiles everywhere, it makes my heart kinda heavy, I wonder why.

I think the most hilarious thing when this middle eastern grandma was on her phone looking earnestly in the wrong direction and her family creeps up on her (with the biggest grins), the mother was pushing the pram and the little girl in it throws her legs out and bam, kicks grandma in the butt.

Cue overjoyed reunion.

Seeing children run into the no entry zone to be picked up and hugged by their fathers is just so heartwarming urgh. It makes the winter weather more bearable. There was this stony faced fashionable young lady that just sat there for half an hour but her face just lit up when she saw her lover(?), and walked to him and just, fit in his arms. Sigh. Love.

Too much secondary happiness in one night aha. I don't think my heart can take anymore.

Trick or Trick (or Treat)

taken from a lot of places tbh. Bandwagon ftw

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Been having mooncakes for breakfast and frog legs and red dragonfruit and corn juice and food and food and more food. 48kg when I went, let's bet on how much I will gain by the time I get back.

Finished A Game of Thrones and A Clash of Kings. A toast to the person who had the guts to make this into a live motion series. Have to watch it in secrecy when I get back or I will get skinned for it. I'm starting to talk and think like them as well.

Yesterday I was taken to a massive bookshop and told we had a 300 Yen voucher. My happiness hit the roof.

Ready to hit the ASOIAF fandom when I get back.

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“Cities, like dreams, are made of desires and fears, even if the thread of their discourse is secret, their rules are absurd, their perspectives deceitful, and everything conceals something else.”

I'm growing up.
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